395. "Bring The Noise" Public Enemy & Anthrax

"Bring The Noise"
Public Enemy & Anthrax
Apocalypse 91....The Enemy Strikes Black / Attack of the Killer B's
1991

Ah, rap-metal. The music genre with the highest degree of difficulty. For every song like this, or most of the Judgment Night soundtrack, there are a hundred Limp Bizkit songs.
Even here, Anthrax's Scott Ian almost queers the deal by sounding awkward x 1000 trying to spit rhyme after Chuck D. Luckily, he is spitting rhyme that Chuck D had already done four years earlier. Like training wheels.
But when done right, with a good rapper and with fucking awesome shredding like we have here, rap-metal is nectar of the gods for teenage boys. It sounds like breaking things and fucking girls all at the same time.
One thing that has always cracked me up about "Bring The Noise": Sonny Bono. What the hell is Sonny Bono doing getting name checked in a Public Enemy song? I'm 99 percent sure Chuck D had no idea who Sonny Bono was, just knew the name as someone who was a musician at some point. Too bad "Tony Orlando and Dawn" didn't rhyme with "Yoko Ono".

396. "A Hard Day's Night" The Beatles

"A Hard Day's Night"
The Beatles
A Hard Day's Night
1964

Eagle eyed readers of this space may have noticed that back at #419 I posted a footnote that the White Stripes were the last artist in the countdown to get their own label tag.
And same eagle eyed readers must have wondered why The Beatles were not going to be afforded this honor, which as you all know is only awarded to artists with four or more songs in the countdown.
"Has Timmy gone mad?" the eagle eyed readers (or, as they like to be called, EERs) exclaimed. "Is up now down, and down now up? Do cats lay with dogs? Will The Beatles not get their own label tag?"
I appreciate the concern, EERs, and I hope you accept my apology. It was just a typo.
My answer to "Who is your favorite singer/band?" has evolved over the years. 1985-1986: "Weird" Al Yankovic. 1986-1987: The Monkees. 1988(AKA the year I liked R&B): Bobby Brown.  1989: "Weird" Al again. (I really enjoyed the "Even Worse" tape.) 1990: Living Colour. 1991 - 1997: R.E.M. 1998 - 2003: Guided by Voices. 2004 - 2006: Bright Eyes. 2007- present: The Hold Steady.
But that's really kind of a lie. The real answer all those years was The Beatles. That was the answer since I was six years old and had "Hey Jude" b/w "Revolution" on 45, and I would play it on my Fisher Price record player and sing along with the "na na na"s on "Hey Jude" and rock my six year old self out to the guitar thrash at the beginning of "Revolution". (Though if you'd asked me when I was six, I probably would have said my favorite band was Alvin and The Chipmunks.)
But saying you love The Beatles is like saying you love chocolate ice cream. It's assumed. And it isn't an interesting answer to a question people ask you when they want to know more about you.
So what I'm doing here is setting the permanent record straight. The Beatles are, and always have been, my favorite band.
So yes, they get a label tag.
Get used to seeing it.

397. "Tumbling Dice" The Rolling Stones

"Tumbling Dice"
The Rolling Stones
Exile on Main Street
1972

I like to think of myself as a fellow of somewhat above average intelligence. There are, however, some things I will always struggle with.
I can never remember how to spell the word "necessary". (Thanks, spell check!)
My phone has one of those chargers where the top part of the plug is shorter than the bottom part, and I always try to plug it in upside down. Then I look at it, figure out how it lines up, and then get it upside down again.
But mostly, no matter how many times it is explained to me, no matter how many guides I try to read, I can never, never, EVER learn the rules to craps.
Each time someone tries to teach me, I get a few rules in, and then the thought hits me: "I'm learning it! This is it! I will be able to play craps!" At that point I realize I'd stopped paying attention, and when I tune back in my would-be mentor is talking about things like hard sevens and don't pass and oh shit I'm back where I started.
I've come up with a way to play if off, though. "Craps?" I shrug. "Craps is a suckers game. Real gamblers play blackjack."
See, readers, blackjack is a game of skill and strategy, and an intellectual like myself can see all the possibilities on the table. Also, they have little cards you can buy that tell you how to bet.

398. "Lonely Boy" The Black Keys

"Lonely Boy"
The Black Keys
El Camino
2011

The final season of "Eastbound and Down" started with this song playing as Kenny Powers cruised the streets of Myrtle Beach on one of those three-wheel motorcycles they advertise during NCAA basketball games and in between Viagra and Cialis ads.

Not gonna lie, I always thought those things looked fun. But if Kenny Powers rode one, I'm out.
I need hints from pop culture on hat is acceptable and what is not. That's how I knew to get rid of my old Miata. I thought it was a sweet ride, but from jokes in pop culture I learned it meant I was gay. Not that I care if anyone thinks I'm gay, just don't wanna get anybody's hopes up.
That's how I know not to get a boogie board with a Confederate flag and a giant weed leaf on it - K fucking P did it, so it must be douchey.

399. "Long May You Run" Neil Young and Stephen Stills

"Long May You Run"
Neil Young and Stephen Stills
Long May You Run
1976

Sometimes being a rock insider with INSIDER ROCK KNOWLEDGE backfires.
This was always one of my favorite songs. I imagined it as a song about a child running through a meadow, and the narrator mourning the fact that the child grew up. Or maybe a beloved horse or dog who had passed on.
And then I found out it was about Neil Young's fucking CAR.
Almost ruined the whole thing. Now when I hear this song, I think about rusty old Buicks. If I still pictured little kids running through sun dappled meadows, this is a Top 100 tune.

400. "Free Fallin'" Tom Petty

"Free Fallin'"
Tom Petty
Full Moon Fever
1989

TWO MEMORIES

- My younger brother (still a huge Tom Petty fan) got this tape for Easter one year. Somehow he talked our dad into playing it on the tape deck in the car. A few weeks later, my dad (who had last listened to new music when Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass put out the record with the girl covered in whipped cream) asked him if he had the tape, so he could put it on.

-Riding with my college roommate to have Thanksgiving dinner at his parents' home in the Valley, 1993. This song came on the radio just as we were turning left on Ventura Boulevard. I was still new enough to L.A. to be impressed by places I'd seen in movies or heard about in songs. It goes away after a while. But after you move, it comes back. The antique shop on Melrose that I worked in for a week was on "Storage Wars" recently; I DVRed it. Save Until I Delete.



-

401. "Yoo Hoo" Imperial Teen

"Yoo Hoo"
Imperial Teen
What Is Not To Love
1998

On September 28, 1977, a man in Texas named Clay Lyle purchased a Yoo-Hoo brand chocolate beverage, and finished it in 13 minutes.
This remains the longest anyone has ever taken to finish a Yoo-Hoo. Not coincidentally, Mr. Lyle is also the only person to finish his Yoo-Hoo and not immediately wish he'd bought something else to drink, like maybe a Slurpee or something that would actually quench his thirst.

402. "Wild Wild Life" Talking Heads

"Wild Wild Life"
Talking Heads
True Stories
1986

A common thing for people born before 1990 to say is, "Remember when MTV used to play videos?" At one point, people would say this as a joke, because MTV at the time would air two or three hours of non-music video programming.
And then the joke stopped making sense.
24 hours of music videos turned into 20, turned into 16, turned into 10, turned into 5, turned into 2. And then they were gone, MTV took the "Music Television" graphic off their logo, and someone gave Carson Daly a talk show on NBC. And we all found YouTube.
But even more than that, to me, it was "Remember when MTV used to show interesting videos?"
We all know how "grunge" or whatever took over pop music (and thereby MTV) in the early 90s. But while some of the songs were great, most of the videos absolutely blew. Just a bunch of out of focus shit, some shots of an old guy without a shirt, a little girl playing by the train tracks, and the band playing in an abandoned warehouse somewhere. Boom, done, video made.
And MTV was behind the curve on that. They were hyping the new MC Hammer song in 1991, long after anyone with ears still cared. They were reacting to the trend, not creating it. Which is why nobody knows more than one song from Too Legit To Quit.
In the mid to late 80s though, MTV would play left field stuff even though it wasn't "popular music", per se. Now, the songs would become popular because MTV put them in heavy rotation, but without a video playing every two hours, there's no way a song like "Wild Wild Life" hits the Billboard Top 25 in 1986.
But it did. And thank god.
Because without this video, maybe John Goodman doesn't get cast as Dan Conner in "Roseanne". And without "Roseanne", he definitely doesn't play Walter in The Big Lebowski. And if John Goodman never plays Walter in The Big Lebowski, I'm pretty sure Y2K actually becomes a thing and we are all crushed under the foot of the zombie rabbit apocalypse.
So kudos to whoever it was at MTV in the mid 80s who played bands like Talking Heads, R.E.M., and Crowded House.
You saved a lot of lives.

403. "Chop Suey!" System of a Down

"Chop Suey!"
System of a Down
Toxicity
2001

WAKE UP


Ah, what?  Jesus. What time is it? Who the fuck are y-

NANANA PUT A LITTLE MAKEUP


I'm sorry, you're singing too fast, I don't understand what you're saying. You want me to put makeup on, are going to rape me or someth-

MANANANA SHAKEUP


I'm sorry sir, I'm very scared and I don't understand you. Are you Borat?

WHY'D YOU LEAVE THE KEYS UPON THE TABLE?


The... the keys? Is that how you got in here? And that is a strange choice of preposition, I'm sorry, Borat, I must ask you to-

MANANANA FABLE!


What, "Fable", like the game "Fable"? If that's what you're here for, I'm sorry, I had "Fable II" and "Fable III" but I sold them both. To GameStop, if you must know, and got right screwed as far as the value goes. That's why I started selling my used games on-

YOU WANTED TO


Aah! Who the fuck was that? I'm st-

MANANA LITTLE MAKEUP


Wait, now-

YOU WANTED TO


Fine!  I'll put the makeup on, you can have my Xbox, you can have all my games, just please leav-

NANANA SHAKEUP


I get it, I get it, it's a shakeup! JUST DON'T KILL ME, PLEASE BORAT. Whatever that other guy is saying, I never wanted to do anything! I JUST WANT TO LIVE. And if we're bargaining here, you can rape me if you leave the Xbox. I just got into "Skyrim", and my smithing is coming along splendidl

404. "You Get What You Give" New Radicals

"You Get What You Give"
New Radicals
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
1998

I don't know. I'm pretty sure this song is terrible. If I were to read someone's blog countdown of the 500 Worst Songs Ever and saw this on there, I wouldn't even really disagree. Also I'd be mad that someone got to that blog idea before I could.
SPOILER ALERT:
Beck and Hanson will appear on this list. Courtney Love already has. Marilyn Manson will not.

405. "Soul and Fire" Sebadoh

"Soul and Fire"
Sebadoh
Bubble and Scrape
1993

If one were to take a survey of the mixtapes sad mid-90s indie-boys made after a end of a relationship, the survey would reveal that this song earned the coveted First Song status on 43% of them.

406. "I Do Not Hook Up" Kelly Clarkson

"I Do Not Hook Up"
Kelly Clarkson
All I Ever Wanted
2009

I just wrote a long and impassioned treatise explaining why this song belongs on the countdown, but decided that brevity was the better part of valor and deleted it. I have a much more succinct reason for why it is here.
Because shut up that's why.

407. "Little Lion Man" Mumford and Sons

"Little Lion Man"
Mumford and Sons
Sigh No More
2009

Son, it wasn't easy when I decided to leave our cobbling business to you. I've spent many a year cobbling from dawn til dusk, boiling leather and hammering hobnails.
I'd started our little cobbler shop here in the village some time ago, and put out my shingle, "Geo. Mumford, Village Cobbler" with a great deal of pride. Eventually I expanded to selling tobacco and tobacco accessories, and instructing young men in the art of boxing, and "Geo. Mumford, Village Cobbler, Tobacconist and Instructor in the Fine Arts of Pugilism, (Marquess of Queensberry licensed)" was born.
It was with great pride that I taught you and your brothers in my trades.
At the village public house to which I would retire after a day of cobbling, tobacconing, and pugilist instruction, I would savor a pint or two and brag to the boys about my sons, who knew their place and had fine moustaches to boot.
And then the day came when I wasn't quite as quick with the boot tack. I mixed up Old Holborn Mild with Old Holborn Fine in a customer's pipe. The old wainwright's daughter Kate knocked me out during a sparring session.
And so I left my business to you. My sons.
My joy.
And you shut down our shop and went and started a folk band.
A  folk band, Lemon.
What, no, I was merely advising this barmaid that I wished for a lemon with my bowl of Smoking Bishop, not referencing a television show that will not air for decades. And what is television?
Regardless. You're all disowned.
And you had best change your group's name. If you think anyone would buy a long playing record from "Geo. Mumford and Sons Village Cobbler, Tobacconist and Instructor in the Fine Arts of Pugilism, (Marquess of Queensberry licensed) and Songs of a Sweet Nature", well, you've really fucked it up this time.

408. "Me and Mia" Ted Leo and the Pharmacists

"Me and Mia"
Ted Leo and the Pharmacists
Shake the Sheets
2004

I have a problem. Not only am I mostly deaf in one ear (from all the ROCKIN) (No, just kidding, from when I got hit by a truck when I was crossing the street one time), but I am completely oblivious to my surroundings.
Often, I'll see someone at work or at a party, and they will tell me how they saw me out and about one day, and I completely blew them off. People who know me well enough to know that I am usually totally lost in thought (important stuff usually, like wondering if there are hamsters in the wild, and if so, what do they use for hamster wheels) will laugh about it, but on more than one occasion the person was offended.
And one time it was my boss who had just fired me. Heard about that one secondhand. Still kind of happy about that, because if I had noticed her, I never would have had the balls to blow her off.
So Ted Leo and I both lived in RI for a time (he might still live there, I don't spend time tracking his movements). What is completely plausible, indeed almost a dead lock guarantee, is that one time at a kickball game or something Ted Leo happened by, and tried to say hi to me.
Ted Leo: "Tim ! Tim, hey, man! You've retweeted me a couple of times! @Guidedbyvodka, man, hey, come on, say hi to me!"
Me: (Not hearing him, trying to desperately to remember the name of the main guy from the old cartoon M.A.S.K.) ....
Ted Leo: "Tim ! Hey, I want you to join our band! You can be the new lead singer! Timmy and Ted Leo and the Pharmacists! Let's make this happen!"
Me (walking away down the street): (Thinking maybe the main dude's name was Ted Stryker? No, that was Airplane! Heh heh. "Excuse me, stewardess. I speak jive." I need to watch that movie again...)

THIS DEFINITELY HAPPENED.

409. "Ted, Just Admit It" Jane's Addiction

"Ted, Just Admit It"
Jane's Addiction
Nothing's Shocking
1988

People don't believe me when I tell them that my mom read me Stephen King stories at bedtime. But it's true; I'm sure I was read all the Dr. Seuss classics and what not, but I have no memory of any of them. What I do remember is the scary ass cover of Night Shift with the hand and all the eyes.

Yup.


Now, along with a lifelong appreciation of Mr. King's stories of suspense and horror, my mother gave me an introduction to the world of serial killers.
As my six year old self understood it, Ted Bundy was a man who was able to kill women because he was super handsome.
Ehh, who cares about that, I thought. Girls, gross. Ted Bundy was not one of my favorites.
I much preferred Richard Ramirez, who killed people (again, according to my mom) because he worshipped Satan and listened to AC/DC.
WELL ALRIGHT.
So somehow I did NOT grow up to be a serial killer, which I think pretty much puts to bed the issue of nature v. nurture.

410. "Rabbit Fur Coat" Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins

"Rabbit Fur Coat"
Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins
Rabbit Fur Coat
2006

As soon as I found out that Rilo Kiley frontwoman Jenny Lewis had been a child actor, I started wishing she would write a song about it.
Then she made a solo record, and she did write a song about it. And absolutely nailed it.
Now, there are things I would advise her to change if I had been in the studio with her, but alas, at the time this record was made I had two newborn daughters to attend to. And a really good franchise season of NCAA Football 2002 going on PlayStation.
Now, I obviously would have kept all the poignant moments about being "a hundred thousand dollar kid" being raised by a thieving, irresponsible, transient mother. But I also would have at least included a verse about feelings w/r/t Fred Savage. And at least two verses on the promise of, and subsequent disappointing results of, the Nintendo Power Glove.
But hey, she made the song she made. With my help, maybe it could cracked our top ten, but this is still a Top 500 quality song.

411. "Ain't No Reason" Brett Dennen

"Ain't No Reason"
Brett Dennen
So Much More
2006

I honestly had no idea what this dude looked like until this very moment when I linked the YouTube video.
But if I had been asked to make a police composite sketch just from listening to his songs, I would have 100% nailed it.
Donal Logue crossed with Adele.
Boom. Done.
I guess this is a good a reason as any to post the "South Park" composite sketches.

412. "Both Sides, Now" Joni Mitchell

"Both Sides, Now"
Joni Mitchell
Clouds
1969

I can't lie: the first time I saw the top of a cloud from an airplane I felt kind of like a god. Like I was seeing something I wasn't supposed to.
SPOILER ALERT:
There are no angels on top of the clouds. And definitely no bowling alleys. Thunder, therefore, remains a mystery.

413. "Maps" The Front Bottoms

"Maps"
The Front Bottoms
The Front Bottoms
2011

I think anyone who has ever moved away can relate to this song.
We just watched Young Adult, which was my favorite movie of 2011. (It passed Hanna upon my second viewing). There is an amazing scene at the end where Matt's sister gives Mavis (Charlize Theron) maybe the worst pep talk in movie history. She basically tells Mavis that it's okay that she is an awful person, since she is better than all the people in their hometown. She is prettier, skinnier, and she got out. Mavis, after a period of reflection, decides to believe again in these lies she's believed her whole life.
And then the kicker.
"Can I come with you?"
And Mavis puts on her best faux sincere mean girl voice.
"No, you're good here."
And Matt's dummy sister is visibly crushed.
She never thought of herself as one of the good, hardworking, regular looking people of her hometown.
She thought was terrible and glamorous.
Damn that's good moviemaking.

414. "Taneytown" Steve Earle

"Taneytown"
Steve Earle
El Corazon
1997

Steve Earle is just an interesting cat. Started out in rockabilly, had a brief fling with mainstream country success, then became a crack addict. Went into recovery, released two of the best records of the 90's (I Feel Alright and El Corazon). Then he wrote a song from the point of view of the "American Taliban" dude, John Walker Singh, and for some reason that was controversial.
TANGENT KORNER:
For what its worth, I don't think America could ever fall under a totalitarian regime, either left or right. We are too diverse a country, and just too damn ornery to ever get 300 million people to follow a "dear leader". That being said, it was pretty fucking scary in the early to mid 2000s. Not so much the government at the time, but just the culture. Dissent was forbidden, again not by the government, but by our fellow citizens. I mean, the Dixie Chicks (who were the biggest country act of the decade) basically ended their careers because the singer said she was ashamed to be from the same state as Dubya. Steve Earle, a folk/country singer who sold 100,000 records tops with a new release, became a headline just for singing a song from the point of view of someone who was fucked up.
Oh yeah, and remember "Freedom Fries"?
So anyway, Steve Earle also played a recurring character in the popular HBO program The Wire. If you read the internet, you may have heard of this program.
The Wire is about a million times more popular now than when it aired. In fact, at this point I'm pretty sure that the local news stations in Baltimore don't even report on crime stories, they just have a moment during each telecast where the anchor says, "Hey, remember The  Wire? Yeah, all that same shit happened here again today. Coming up, Rocky Stone with the weather."

415. "Andres" L7

"Andres"
L7
Hungry for Stink
1994

I bought this album when I had my giant Case Logic CD holder, which held 200 CDs (sans cases) in a big book. You would put the CD in the sleeve, then the slip the album cover in front of the disc.
Those things were awesome, because well before the mp3 player, it gave college kids a way to transport their music around. I'm a practical sort, though, so the Case Logic book didn't actually save any room in my apartment, since I kept all the cases in my closet, for when I was ready to go back to a more standard CD storage solution.
So anyway, when someone would flip through my book of CDs, this one as always the one that made people stop.
Like so:

GAHHH! SERIAL KILLER RABBIT! SERIAL KILLER RABBIT IN THE CAR WITH ME!

416. "Grey Cell Green" Ned's Atomic Dustbin

"Grey Cell Green"
Ned's Atomic Dustbin
God Fodder
1991

This album came out in spring of 1991, which coincidentally was when I  first started getting seriously into what was still going to be called "progressive" for a couple of months (pretty sure I never heard of "alternative" until Pearl Jam was on the cover of Time magazine).
I guess Ned's Atomic Dustbin was an important band for me. I don't remember anything about them except for (a.) this song (which is fucking rad), (b.) the fact they they had 2 (two) bass players, and (c.) I wrote the name of the band on my white Converse Chuck Taylor hi-tops, which is how I know they were important to me. Oh yeah, also I had a "God Fodder" T-shirt. Good lord, did I wear that with those same Chucks? I must have looked like an obsessed superfan! Or maybe some weird Jesus freak who enjoyed puns and 70's crime sagas.
Point being, in the spring of 1991, I had my first super-serious teenage relationship, I had discovered a whole new world of music to obsess over, the world was at my feet, and I was in love with a band I remember almost nothing about. Time stretches out our memories until they are so thin they can't hold any longer.
Wait also "Kill Your Television" was on this album. It was okay.

417. "Are You That Somebody?" Aaliyah

"Are You That Somebody?"
Aaliyah
"Dr. Doolittle" Soundtrack
1998

Three things:

1. Albums without a song in my Top 500 Songs of All Time Countdown: Highway 51 Revisited by Bob Dylan, Pet Sounds by the Beach Boys, What's Going On by Marvin Gaye. But, yeah, the soundtrack to the Eddie Murphy cinematic masterpiece Dr. Doolittle is all up on here.

2. 0.03 per cent of the reason I moved to Virginia was so that, like Timbaland in this song, I could say was "the man from the big V-A". It wasn't a big reason, but wasn't NOT a reason.

3. Knowing that the late Aaliyah dated R. Kelly when she was like 15 or something, and knowing now what we know about R. Kelly... I mean, there's really no nice way to say it, but there's a 100 percent chance Aaliyah got peed on at least once.

418. "Gravity's Gone" Drive-By Truckers

"Gravity's Gone"
Drive-By Truckers
A Blessing and a Curse
2006

I don't know how country (and country rock) dudes can write such depressing lyrics and still sing them like a badass. Picture Robert Smith singing "I've been falling so long, it's like gravity is gone and I'm just floating." I mean, that's totally a Cure lyric, right? That's an outtake from Disintegration. I can even hear the ethereal keyboards and chiming guitars.
Then listen to this song, from the kickass Alabama band Drive-By Truckers. He sings that, and you're pumping your fist, like, "Yeah! My life is shit too! Fuckin' A! Whoo!"
They should release an album of country dudes singing emo songs as full-on ragers. I even have the title: "There Is A Coors Light That Never Goes Out".
Make it happen, kids.

419. "Hello Operator" The White Stripes

"Hello Operator"
The White Stripes
De Stijl
2000

People talk a lot about how lazy we are as a society in this modern age. I understand - twice a day at work I see people hit the handicapped button for the doors to automatically open instead of actually, you know, using their arms to open a door.
But man, back in the day? Like way back in the day? People didn't even have to dial phones. They didn't even have to open a menu and then scroll to the name of person they wished to speak with and then click that person's name. They just picked up the damn phone and told the lady on the other end who they wanted to talk to.
It probably felt like having a butler.
Of course that all went away, and suddenly there were phones with dials. People in the 70's and 80's should have used this when their parents started talking about how hard they had it when they were kids. "Yeah dad, you had to walk to school in the snow? Uphill? Both ways? Well when I need to call someone with two zeroes in their number it takes like ten minutes."
Also, who is Jack White calling that their phone number is "9"? There is probably a website devoted to parsing this out. I bet they deduce it was either the God or the devil.

*This is the last band in the countdown to get their own label. Achievement unlocked!

420. "A Simple Twist of Fate" Bob Dylan

"A Simple Twist of Fate"
Bob Dylan
Blood on the Tracks
1975

I remember reading an article a few years ago about the Jonas Brothers (I told you it was a few years ago), and one of them (I think it was Posh Jonas, but it might have been Sporty) said something along the lines of "I have a lot to learn, I haven't had my Bob Dylan phase yet." And some guy in the letters page in the next issue got all uppity about that quote, for some dumb reason. This had to be Rolling Stone, only Rolling Stone readers would get offended by someone making music without having studied the Bob Dylan canon. It was a free subscription.
It was a good quote, though. Most rock music fans DO have a Dylan phase, and you can't force it. I didn't start listening to him until I was 22 or so, when I bought Highway 61 Revisited. And of course then my obsessive side took over and I bought like 5 Dylan records in the next month.
Blood on the Tracks was my favorite, and this was the best song on there.

People tell me it's a sin
To know and feel too much within
I still believe she was my twin but I lost the ring
She was born in spring but I was born too late
Blame it on a simple twist of fate.


The guy was pretty good at writing lyrics. Hope your journey is going well, Posh Jonas.

421. "Violet" Hole

"Violet"
Hole
Live Through This
1994

And there is a persistent rumor that Kurt Cobain wrote all the songs on Live Through This and Billy Corgan (Courtney Love's boyfriend at the time) wrote all the songs on Celebrity Skin.
I'm no Courtney Love defender - like pretty much everyone else on Earth, I think she is a terrible person. And I acknowledge that Live Through This sounds like what a Nirvana record in 1994 would have sounded like and Celebrity Skin sounds like what a 1998 Smashing Pumpkins record would like.
But, no, that rumor is wrong, if not outright sexist.
 I lost my Rhode Island accent within two weeks of moving to the west coast. When I later moved to Texas, I was saying "y'all" within about 15 minutes. I have a history of picking up annoying vocal mannerisms from friends and enemies alike, like "dude" and "right on" and "Awesomesauce". (Not "bro", though, if I ever say "bro" I think I would have to shoot myself right in the head.)
SO ANYWAY those guys didn't write those songs. But they were nearby, and Courtney Love just picked up their sensibilities like she would pick up an accent.
Too bad she never dated Jay-Z, I would have liked to hear about the housing projects of Olympia, WA.

422. "Gett Off" Prince

*video not available on YouTube, and yes there will be discussion about this below

"Gett Off"
Prince
Diamonds and Pearls
1991

I've mentioned earlier about how ludicrous I find Warner Music Group's policy to not allow any videos that they own to be shared online. Their policy is not only shortsighted and asinine, but is also fucking up my plan to have a video of the song I'm writing about accompany each post.
That said, with most Warner acts, I can find a way around it; a live performance or a fan-made video is almost always available.
Well, Prince and WMG didn't agree on a lot (see: changing name to unpronounceable glyph, writing SLAVE on face to protest his Warner contract), but one thing they saw eyes to tits on was making it difficult for fans of Prince's work to share their enthusiasm online.
I'm about to post a link to the stupidest video on YouTube. I'm warning you because your brain might not be able to handle such jackassery. Please open in a separate tab or window, because we'll be coming back to it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3GAwwiHK5o
So that is the actual video to "Gett Off", posted on YouTube, but because Prince does not allow his songs to be posted on YouTube, the music has been replaced with a generic keyboard track.
Stupid, right? Who would even bother?
Now, do me a favor and attempt to share this video. Click on "Share", and then click on "Embed". Then come on back to Timmy's warm embrace.
Did you see?
They made it so you cannot even share the fake video they made up and put on YouTube for no apparent reason.
Like it was just a habit by this point.
I've got one or two more Prince songs on the countdown. I checked, and yes, the same issue with all of them.
Ramones, standby, we may need another emergency replacement.


(If you were curious, my original idea for this post was about how hard it would be for someone to keep track of sexual positions during a one night stand once it went over, like, 9. At that point it's not sex, it's just math. But you kind of need to have heard the song to get the joke. Motherfuckers. I liked that joke.)

423. "False Advertising" Bright Eyes

"False Advertising"
Bright Eyes
Lifted, or The Story is in the Soil Keep Your Ear To The Ground
2002

GREAT MOMENTS IN ROCK HISTORY
Bright Eyes: "Now all anyone's listening for are the mistakes."
(trumpet player screws up)
Trumpet player: "Oh! I'm sorry!"
Bright Eyes: "No, it's ok it's ok. 1-2-3, 1-2-3..."

Probably heard that 200 times by now, and it still makes me smile. I hope it was fake, and that the poor trumpet player didn't actually get fired. But I guess if she did, Bright Eyes did have just cause. He did just say all anyone was listening for were the mistafes.
What the hell? "Mistafes"?

Copy editor: Oh! I'm sorry!

Sorry? SORRY?
I hire you as the copy editor for this music countdown blog of renown, and you let a bush league typo like "mistafes" get through? You thank that's ok?

Copy editor: In fairness sir, you are a terrible typist. You make a lot of typos. Sometimes one might slip through. Just there, you typed "thank" instead of "think".

No I didn't.

Copy editor:  And that I can understand, I mean you wouldn't get the little red line under the word to alert you to the typo. But, really sir, "mistafes" is all on you. Seriously, the k isn't really even that close to the f on the keyboard. You basically need to either try to type a word that incorrectly or be having a stroke.

You use too many adverbs.
1-2-3, 1-2-3...

424. "If I Could Talk I'd Tell You" The Lemonheads

"If I Could Talk I'd Tell You"
The Lemonheads
Car Button Cloth
1996

We alterna-hunks have a rough go of it. It's like, we have all this super important shit to say, but no one takes us seriously because we're really really good looking (but in an alterna-way).
At a meeting one time Brother Evan was talking about how he sometimes had so much super important shit to say, but no one took his songs seriously because of how really really alterna-good looking he was.
And we were all like, I know, right?
So this one time Rob Thomas showed up at a meeting, and Brother Eddie like wouldn't even let him in? And Rob Thomas was all, no hey wait, let me in, I'm an alterna-hunk too, you know, but like Brother Eddie was all no way dude, just because you have an earring and your band's name has a number in it doesn't make you alterna, you're just regular really really good looking, and you don''t have super important shit to say.
And me and Brother Anthony, we were both like, WHOA!
Then we went and nailed a bunch of chicks and did some heroin.

425. "Straight Time" Bruce Springsteen

"Straight Time"
Bruce Springsteen
The Ghost of Tom Joad
1995

I love acoustic-story-song Bruce. Tom Joad and Nebraska are without a doubt my two favorite albums by him.
The line in this song that twists the knife for me is "Tossin' my little babies high/ Mary smiles, but she's watches me out of the corner of her eye".
I like to imagine that the "Mary" that shows up in a lot of Bruce's songs is all the same woman. She graduated high school in 1975 and ran off with some guy on a motorcycle ("Thunder Road"). Here in 1995 she's married to Charlie, an ex-con she doesn't quite trust, who has an uncle who sells stolen cars. Things will get better for her, though; by The Rising in 2002 she will open a bar where people meet to have a party.

426. :Scissors" Guided by Voices

"Scissors"
Guided by Voices
King Shit and the Golden Boys
1995

I couldn't help but think of this song ("all my life I've wanted scissors") when, after I asked one of my daughters what she wanted for her 6th birthday, she told me, "A flashlight, some scissors, and four glue sticks."
Her sister wanted an iPod.

427. "Debaser" Pixies

"Debaser"
Pixies
Doolittle
1989

HOLLYWOOD, CA. - Paramount announced today that they are filming a "reboot" of Luis Bunuel's Un Chien Andalou, scheduled for release in summer 2013.  Jerry Bruckheimer is producing, with Tony Scott to direct.
"The original film is a touchstone of the surrealist movement, but we wanted to do something darker and edgier," Bruckheimer said. "In our reboot, Sam Worthington is a black ops CIA agent gone rogue, and Gerard Butler is a blue collar taxi driver that the government thinks has the key to stop him. Megan Fox will play a nuclear physicist that Butler's character is driving at the time."
Asked what this has to do with the original 1929 silent film, Bruckheimer said, "We think we have captured the spirit and tone of Bunuel and Dali's film, but darker and edgier, with more explosions, car chases and midriff-baring tops. But we didn't include the lady getting her eyeball sliced open, because that was just really fucking gross."

428. "Southside" Moby

"Southside"
Moby
Play
1999

Everything in my DNA says I should hate Gwen Stefani. She's stick thin, bottle blond. She married the guy from Bush, maybe the worst band of 1990's, at least until Creed came bumbling along. She is the lead singer of an Orange County ska band.
(Jack Donaghy voice): An Orange County ska band, Lemon!
But I don't hate her. In fact, I pretty much think she's the coolest. I download her singles off iTunes, and enjoy them, even the goatherd one. I'm pretty much guaranteed to click on a HuffPo link with her name in it. And even though she's stick thin, bottle blond, I find her super foxy.
There is only one explanation: in 1995, Gwen Stefani used her magical wood-nymph powers to see the future, and saw the creation of this influential music countdown blog of world renown. She then snuck into my bedroom while I was sleeping, maybe went through my things cause she thought I was cute, and placed a powerful spell on me, ensuring I would say nice things about her in my influential music countdown blog of renown.
Well played, Stefani. Well played indeed.

429. "Dreams" TV on the Radio

"Dreams"
TV on the Radio
Desperate Youth, Blood Thirsty Babes
2004

There are three things we as humans cannot resist talking about, even as we know that the listener has absolutely zero interest in them, and will spend the entirety of our discussion making "mm-hmm" noises and wishing Cthulu would rise from his watery depths just to make us stop talking.
Those three things are 1. our fantasy sports teams, 2. bets we almost won but then lost, and 3. the dream we had last night.
I mean, I know I do this. I KNOW I do this. I can see my wife's eyes glaze over as I enter the third minute of, "We were in my third grade class, but it wasn't really my third grade class, but I knew that it was, and I had a big bushy mustache, and... oh wait, I just remembered, I had a baseball glove on? And...."
There is, however, a solution. No, you do not have to start telling people about your dreams. You just have to tweak the retelling a bit.
Go on as you normally would, but preface the tale with this sentence: "I had this really weird dream last night, and you were in it."
And then just replace the word "I" in your story with "we".
This satisfies your need to get your really weird dream off of your chest, and both flatters and engages your listener.
Because as much as people hate hearing about other people's dreams, they love hearing about other people's dreams about them that much more.

(And yes, I pulled that last sentence off. If it confuses you, that's your fault.)

430. "Miss Jackson" OutKast

"Miss Jackson"
OutKast
Stankonia
2000

TIMMY'S INTRO TO BEING THE LIFE OF THE PARTY

A. "Breaking the Ice"
1. Throw a party and invite a single young woman with the surname "Jackson".
2. When a chap is near the young woman, trip him so he bumps into her.
3. After the embarrassed chap says, "I'm sorry, Ms. Jackson," shout "WOOO!"
4. Bask the glow of your friends' approval for your witty quip.

B. "Sealing the Deal"
1. During a lull in the conversation, introduce the topic of waterslides.
2. Wait for a partygoer to announce that it has been some time since they have enjoyed a waterslide.
3. Ask how long it has been. If they do not answer by saying "forever", repeat step 1 with a different topic (suggestions: bowling, spaghetti bolognese, tantric sex).
4. If your guest does answer "Forever!", reply, "Forever? For ever ever? For ever ever?"
5. Humbly accept the huzzahs that come your way for the well timed reference.

431. "Downtown Train" Tom Waits

"Downtown Train"
Tom Waits
Rain Dogs
1985

I'm going to preemptively destroy any indie cred I ever had right now, before we even get to Hanson later in the countdown.
I kinda like the Rod Stewart version of this song.
Obviously it's not as good as ole Tom's here, but it's a completely different animal. Instead of the sound of a dude in the gutter watching the love of his life pass him by every night, it's a rousing pop song about Rod Stewart being all romantic and shit. (Though if I recall, in the video he did warm his hands over one of those trash can fires bums use in the movies.)
But that's okay. Tom Waits is Tom Waits, and Rod Stewart is Rod Stewart, and their Venn diagram would be two separate circles.
But wouldn't you pay at least 500 bucks to hear Tom Waits sing "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy"?

432. "I Wanna Be Yr Joey Ramone" Sleater-Kinney

"I Wanna Be Yr Joey Ramone"
Sleater-Kinney
Call The Doctor
1996

One of the most annoying things about our dumb new millennium is people dividing themselves into Team This or Team That. Girls who will never have a meaningful relationship identify themselves as "Team Edward" or "Team Other Guy". Girls who look up to girls who will never have a meaningful relationship and who miss the point of things completely go with "Team Peeta" or "Team Gale". It started with middle aged women injecting themselves into celebrities' lives with "Team Jen" or Team Angie", and it really needs to end. (The male equivalent is sports fans who refer to the fan base they belong to as "___ Nation". There is no Browns Nation. Only people in Cleveland like the Browns. Just quit it.)

So anyways for straight male rock music fans 1996-2005 or so there probably was a ridiculous Team divide, but everyone was too busy at WTO protests to talk much about it.
Sleater-Kinney: Team Corin or Team Carrie?
Not gonna lie, I was def Team Corin. She sounded like a goat when she got to rockin', and she was kinda cute to boot.
Well, that was only because the show "Portlandia" did not exist at that time. A show that combines sketch comedy and makes fun of hipsters? I was into it way before you, by the way. I was putting birds on things before you even knew what IFC was.
So now I'm Team Carrie. At least until Janet Weiss writes a book about baseball or something.

433. "Phenomena" Yeah Yeah Yeahs

"Phenomena"
Yeah Yeahs Yeahs
Show Your Bones
2006

Somebody told me once that this song was about LL Cool J, but it wasn't INSIDER ROCK KNOWLEDGE, and I don't buy it.
First Karen O is way cool, and LL Cool J is not. The way you can tell he is not way cool is that he changed his name to LL Cool J. Way cool don't advertise, LL. Also LL probably has a cone head, according to my friend Aaron. This explains the constant headgear.
Yeah, I know Sonic Youth did "Kool Thing" (#501 on my list, by the way), but I always kinda felt that Kim was taking a piss on that song, and also Chuck D was there to make sure things didn't get too out of hand. Like, "Yeah, we know LL Cool J blows, but we brought this other hip hop dude around to say 'fear, baby' and supposedly this guy has cred. Who knows, rap is just a fad that will be over by 1994 anyway."
So in conclusion there is no way this song has anything to do with LL Cool J and there is no evidence anywhere that will prove me wrong.

Wait what?



Huh.
You know I always thought "Mama Said Knock You Out" was a pretty good song.